tjatur wardhana wrote:
Just a share of thoughts.... ....
So, this is love........ ...
Geez.....!!! ! Feels like ages away since I ever have an urge to write something about my lovelife.
Let's see now. 4 small letters that create 1 grand word with lots of meanings. For some people, they only relate it to happiness and a fairy tale impression of .....happily ever after..... Well, who doesn't?!?! Everyone would expect that it would end that way. Or they just related it to an impression of 2 hearts that tangled together. In a holly matrimony (?!?!?!) That simple. Or, is it......?!?! ?!
Of course, that's only an expectation. But what about the reality?!? Well, so sad to say, that things are just beyond of our expectation. Sometimes, it even faaaaaaarrrrrr and awaaaaaayyyyy. That's reality. It bites. Ouch........ ...!!!!!
With full of shame, I must make a confession that I too ever had that childish expectation. I never expect that I could be bitten by reality. It was a big OUCH......!! !!
I always thought that love is to have someone for our own. Well, I'm talking about loving someone. A person. I always refuse to accept an impression that loving doeSn't always mean to have someone for our own. That love could also means to let someone go, in pursue of his own happiness. I always thought that it was.... sucks!! Or even worse, I never thought that deep love does really exist.
I thought that love is just an emotion that floats in the air. It will come as easy it goes. Just like smoke in the wind.
Well, I always felt plain when love, or at least I thought it was, struck me. Just felt happy. Yeah, sure. Because I'll have someone to tease during late at night, or I'll have someone who will cuddle me during weekend. At least I have someone to turn to. No earth rumbling. No violin sound. No choir from the heaven.
That was when love, or at least I thought it was, struck me.
The same feeling also struck me when our relationship ended. It was just a plain and average feeling. No tears. No pain. No desperation. Just an average daily emotion. No word for jealousy. If my lover did a betrayal, I just gave a reminder. But if it kept happening, I just easily broke our relationship. We walk on our own path. Just that simple and that was it.....
Until one day. This strange feeling just struck me from out of a blue. I felt this tension. I can felt the earth below me was shaking. Felt like it was heaven down to earth. I felt that I can do anything for him. As the fact, I surrender myself before him. I did anything just to make myself fit for him.
And the most terrifying thing was that I had this jealousy feeling. I don't want to let go of him. I kept telling myself that he was mine, and always mine. Just didn't want to compete. But to have him all for myself.
But I realize that it would be just as same as a mission impossible.
He already had a love of his own and he loved his lover that much that he could not let go. In other word, I lost.
Then I felt these feelings that I thought I will never ever encounter. Pain, hurt, desperation and, the worst part, tears. Yes. I cried like a baby when I realized my loss. World seem like a hollow. Felt like life was ended. My emotion was totally crippled. I was focused to my hurtful pain that so called broken heart and I can't think of anything else. I threw myself into a destruction of faith and trapped myself behind this dark curtain of desperation.
It took quiet a while before I brought myself back into senses. It took lots of energy and conscious for me to get me back on my feet again. Heal my heart and rebuild my faith. Free myself out of the darkness and restore my sight.
Now, my life has gone back as per normal. Well, not entirely. But I survived from this holocaust. That's what counts.
Still, it would be a bullshit if I declared that I already forgot him. Because I still love him. So much!! It would be also a bullshit if I declared that the hurt had already gone. Because it's still there. And it's painful. But this love still remains. So strong. I even feel more dignify as I let him go in pursue of his own happiness. As his happiness is also belong to me. Inside. I even still spare a prayer for him every night. Wishing him an everlasting happiness through his life ahead. A long lasting happiness.
I'm glad I always have friends who were so dearly took care of me during this state of devastation. Friends who gave me strength, or even yell at me, to see the reality. Reality that just bite, that hard. And it's a biiiiiigggg. ......OOUUUUCCHH H....!!!!
Also made me always encouraged to keep along with them. Keep up with their steps so I won't be left behind in this track of life. I must move along. Open my eyes and heart for every new opportunity that just might passes and waiting to be grabbed. Because opportunity won't come twice. So I better be quick. The longer I let myself stuck in the darkness, the more I let opportunity just slipped out of my hand.
So, I finally made my eyes open to see the fact and accept the reality. Fact and reality that I finally fell in love. A love that was so deep and devoted.
I won't be afraid if I must encountered with this same feeling again.
On the contrary, I'm looking forward for myself got struck by this feeling again. A feeling that was so grand and majestic. A feeling that put me high on top of the world and smashing that hard as I fell down. I won't mind if I got another crucifixion, because it's just worthed in life. It's a balance of life that we must encounter. A balance between joys and sorrows, laughters and tears, happiness and sadness, having and loosing. It's a universe in balance that we have to live with.
So sad to say, but it's true. And that's the life that we live in.
So, I used to ask myself what is love all about. Each time I encountered myself with a relationship with someone and end up in eventually, I always threw myself a wonder, "....so that's it.......?!? !" Remind me to an old tune, .........what do you get, when you fall in love. You only got tears, and pain, and sorrow.... It's over at least. Until tomorrow.... ......... ...
But now, I have my own perspective with this grand emotion what so called love. A feeling that puts me high and low at the same time. Makes me realize on what life is all about. How to appreciate my feeling, my emotions and my dignity.
So, now I can throw myself a statement about love. So, this is it!!! So this is LOVE........ ...
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