reading your summary reminds me of my own life, a life which i can't really comprehend. Deep down inside my heart, there is a conflict, a conflict which creates so much pain.
I love her, yet i do love him. I remember vividly the sweet moments I had with my girlfriend, but I can not deny that my time with him is wonderful. No my friend, it is not the physical sensation that I remembered, it is something deeper. It is something which make my heart beats being with them. It is something which makes my heart beats writing it here.
My girlfriend is my classmate in high school. She's sweet and feminime. She's very kind too. In fact, she's the only girl that I have truly fell in love with. And it was for the first time that she
and I have ever had a serious relationship in our life. Our first loves. We were both not really approachable. .. I guess, we both don't fall in love quite easily...
I knew her for quite a long time. She was the the only girl in the highschool that created a unique impression on me for the very first time. That was when she walked along our dining hall (my high shool is a boarding school, where all students have meal together). At that time, she still wore her blue and white junior high school uniform (we were not officially admitted to the high shool yet - so we still wore our junior uniform). She looked kind of cute with her rather short hair. Over time, sometimes we had meal together. And those were the time that I got to know her more. She's soft spoken and well behaved, my kind of girl. In short, we were becoming closer and closer. I guess she found comforts being with me.
I did my undergraduate study overseas. It was here that I met a gentle, caring, and good looking guy. We met accidently actually. It was in the lecture theatre, when I was asking my friends for their weekly project reports :D . Then this guy voluntarily offered his to me. Well, why not. So i accepted and we introduced ourselves. He comes from our neighbouring country, somewhere further north. At that time, I absolutely had no other intention but to be a friend. He looked friendly. As a token of appreciation, I accompanied him walking down
to get his bycicle. We talked a lot. Days after days, we were getting even closer. And he really cared of me. We studied together. And he always brought me some of my favourite foods, snacks, etc. That's something that I really appreciated. Not something that I was commonly treated by my other friends.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) , it didnt stop there. Sometimes i feel missing him when he was not around. Well, I thought that was okay. Afterall he was very nice to me. And I did not keep it to myself. I told him that sometimes I missed him, and so he did.
Until one day, I told him that maybe we were a bit too far. Then he cried... I couldn't help but cried too (since he looked so sad). Then we went to have some nice dinner, intended to be a goodbye dinner. The next day he was still very sad. So I visited him in his house.
That was where all hells started to break loose... I felt so sad to see him crying. I hugged him... Then he slowly kissed me. I was out of my mind when I chose to close my eyes. It was a very tender kiss, a kiss on my lips. And that was the very first time that anyone had ever kissed me. The feeling of being kissed by a guy was mixed... I didnt really truly understand what I did. I justified myself and told myself that I was just exploring my sexuality. The day just ended with a kiss. Nothing more. Needless to say, it meant a lot to me. Or rather, it created a lot of questions in my mind.
Subsequently, I really wanted to explore my real identity. Am I gay? Am I straight? By that time, I have slowly freed myself from religion. So why not explore the other side of my life: my true sexual orientation. As a young and naive man, I search through countless gay and straight sex websites. I watched movies. Then I discovered that I am not that straight. Maybe I am a bisexual. I am aroused by handsome and rather (not the very) muscular young men. But I am also aroused by sexy young lady... But I guess it changes over time too. Sometimes it tilts toward the gay side, but other times it swings back. Why is it? I was not quite sure. Then I came to realize that, as with most things in life, there's no such a thing as purely gay and straight. I dont see it as anything wrong anyway. It's a fact of life which I can not deny. The progress of civilizations might have marginalized this fact.
Oh yea, I mentioned that all hells started to break loose. I started to questions fidelity. The fact was, given our current norms, I have betrayed my girlfriend even though I still love her. The feeling of guilts started to develop. During some of my term breaks, I headed back to Indonesia and met my girlfriend. I missed her. We spent our time together. It was really nice. I promised myself not to dissapoint her. I am only hers. In the airport, before I flew back to my university, she wrote the signs I LOVE U on my palms. It made me so happy. She loooked really beautiful, with her white outfits. I still remember that moment, and so does she.
Soon after reaching the country of my study, I met him. I told him that I can't continue. I told him that I love my girlfriend. (By the way he knew that I had a girlfriend that I love). And..... he was devastated.
He drank a lot of liquour. I was so worried. I called one of my friend to help me handle him, never mind the risks of my friends knowing our affairs. I couldn't think clearly. I felt guilty toward him too. And he did not stop there. Several times he attempted to take his life... Those were the most terifying moments in my life. Never had I been confronted with these grave situations. He cant let me go....
I was in a deep dilemma. I could not see him like the way he was. He was so terrible. He seemed to have lost his purpose of life.
would not deny that I was also sexually attracted toward him. Well, honestly he has sex appeal and behaves like a metrosexual (I knew that he had some girlfriends to cover himself, and those girls are pretty. As a sidetrack, he hanged around with some actors, singers, and dancers (both girls and guys) of his home country. I knew it, because I once visited his home country and he brought me to this cafe where these so called local celebrities hanged around. I spotted couples of friendly gays over there. And friendly ladies too). But then.... I promised myself not to dissapoint her.
Over time, he showed some signs extreme possesiveness, even after all the things that I told him. I couldnt do much but to make sure he didnt commit suicides. I had no choice but to accompany him, or else.... I might regret for the rest of my life. I didnt want to deal with the police either, for trying to commit suicides is a serious offence in this country. I even imagined having to answer to the police and his family members(i have met them, and they were very
nice to me too) if he is dead. I dared not tell any of my other friends, for very obvious reasons. But they became suspicious too. I had no choice but to bear with it. The worst thing is... I felt like being trapped into a space and time with no way out. I was unable to think clearly. I stopped exploring the various alternatives that I might have. It is really hard to describe my feeling, and the state of my minds during this episode of my life -- which unfortunately didnt last for a short time. It lasted for months...
My girlfriend too became suspicious. Her friends over here become suspicious too. Then, finally I told her most of the true stories. I have to admit that I had physical contacts with him but i did not tell her. It is a shame, but up to know I still do not have the courage to tell her. She seemed to understand my situation. She was so worried about me too. But she was so far away...
Then it comes to my mind that I was not good enough for her. I still need to care of him. Of course she was very sad. But I didnt think of other alternatives. I let her go. I told her that I really love her.... And she told me that she loved me too... Not really a good way to say goodbye to somebody I love. From that moment on, I felt more relieved. At least I was no longer tied with her. She can find somebody that can better care for her.
Over time, he behaved more normally. I can sense his desire to live. He cared for me even more (driving, cooking, etc. -- he's a good cook). Sure, sometimes we argued over petty little things. But it was minor. He was no longer so possesive too.
Sometimes I truly missed her. But she is already with another guy. A guy who had landed her with his arms when she was so down. She didn't tell me how bad it was for her. It was only recently that she told her own story on how to deal with those period. I just realized how bad I was. It came to her mind to take her own life too. But fortunately, she was more responsible. She imagined how sad her family would have been, and how sad I would have been.
She wrote something for herself. She showed it to me. The first page reads:
"Kisah ini, sebagian membuatku tersenyum dan merasakan apa yang disebut bahagia. Sebagian lagi menyisakan sayatan yang amat dalam, meninggalkan bekas luka abadi dalam hatiku. Kadangkala bekasnya terbuka kembali sehingga tak pernah sembuh total seperti sedia kala..."
of which I responded:
"pengantar suatu kisah yang belum kamu selesaikan, kisah yang telah mengubah pelakunya menjadi orang-orang yang berbeda, kisah yang menunjukkan betapa hidup ini penuh dengan pilihan-pilihan dan terkadang pertentangan antara pikiran dan hati kecil kita -- antara yang dilihat dan yang tak terlihat, kisah yang memberi kesempatan pelakunya untuk merasakan bahwa hidup ini begitu berwarna, kisah yang semoga membuat pelakunya menjadi lebih dewasa"
There are some lessons which I learned. Never tell a lie. Not to everyone else, and not to myself. Once we tell a lie, we will need a whole lot of other lies to cover the previous lies. Even the smartest person will slip some times. And the lying exercise is very very tiring and exhausting. I could have told everyhing to my girlfriend from the very beginning. And the problem need not snowballed and made some people that I loved sad. Even if there was some element of gay-ness in my true self, I believe she would have better understood. And oh yea, trying to lie to everybody for the sake of good image will only hurt yourself. I also realized that I (and maybe most other people) tend to see only what is in front of my eyes. My decisions were mostly based on the fact that he was endangering his life. But I didnt take into account what happened to her... What a short sighted view of the world.
It started about 5 years ago. But the memories still are still strong. Now, work loads have taken a toll on me.
Up to now... I still love her. I really do. Somehow, I love him as well. Both are two persons which have changed my life... for good.
Starting from the middle of last year, he has been taking his master study in the state. As a result, I have more solitary moments to think. Slowly my memories of her resurfaced. I thought I missed her a lot.
On my birthday last year, she sent me a message wishing me good luck. It became a starting point where our communications vastly improved. There was still feelings between us. There was still feelings suppressed by both of us for years, naively thinking that the other sides happily move on with their lives. Yes, she's got a boyfriend. Yes, I am doing alright with my job, a job which I like. But, deep down inside we still have a place for each other.
I have met her twice since then. Of course I cant go back to Indonesia so often.
I felt like I relived old memories. We went to parks where we used to spent our time together in the long past. We saw movies, went to jazz festival, etc. It was really nice. It was also for the very first time that I kissed her passionately, and more... As a sidetrack, I missed the train from Jakarta to where she lives now because I called her in the wartel (didn't have local number yet) to make sure that she would pick me up in the station. I was so surprised when I went upstairs to catch the train, it already started moving!!! I didn't quite expect the train service to be so on time!! Luckily the officer were kind enough exchange my ticket with another one. But I've got to
sit on the floor for 3 hours!!! Anyway I didn't want to wait for later trains.
However, we were not sure of how we should proceed. For one thing, I have created a bad impression on her family. A bisexual atheist to be your daughter's husband? Well, it is not something that can easily be taken in our society now. By the way, I am an open atheist (a little
tilted toward agnostic). Then, I am not very sure whether I will want to be with her forever either. She also doesn't want to hurt her current boyfriend.
So, both she and I took the last meetings for what they were, meetings for us to relive our past. Meetings for both of us to fulfill any fantasy which have haunted us for so long but dared not
tell each other. Yes, we were just in a fantasy land. We can not live in fantasy forever.
My boyfriend is finishing his study. He visited me recently. I realized that it is distance which foster the feeling of needs. During our years of living together, I didn't really think that I
will miss him so much if he is not around. But I am wrong.
She knows about him. He knows about her. So yea, you can say that it's a kind of triangle after all.
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